SATURDAY, AUGUST 4
7:39 p.m.
Jane Lynch is opening the show. She starts out with a Chick Fil A joke using the F word.
7:41 p.m.
Jane intros clip montage of Roseanne's decades of TV appearances.
7:45 p.m.
Roseanne is introduced. She is escorted in with Secret Service-type bodyguards and presidential music playing - and she's even handed a baby as she walks to the stage.
7:47 p.m.
Roseanne takes to the stage and leaves lipstick and makeup all over Jane. Jane stops the show and people rush the stage to touchup her face. Now all the women on stage are rushing to get fixed up. "Only air kisses" is overheard before they start the show all over again. During the break Jane calls her wife in the audience and introduces her to Carrie Fisher, who then grabs Jane's boob and walks off.
7:51 p.m.
The show starts again and Roseanne enters, is handed the baby and yadda yadda. This time no real kisses.
7:52 p.m.
Roseanne just spilled her drink but Jane continued the introduction.
Lynch on Roseanne:
"let's not forget your movie career - like the rest of America"
"and Roseanne loves smokin' pot. It helps her forget she's Roseanne"
7:57 p.m.
Amy Schumer takes the stage - "I haven't seen this much loose skin since Jane Lynch's circumcision."
8:05 p.m.
Amy closes with a Bodyguard/Whitney Houston joke. Everybody is wondering if that will make it on the broadcast.
8:08 p.m.
Seth Green is up now.
"Jane Lynch is the funniest man in America."
On Gilbert Gottfried: I don't know why you squint a lot. We're the ones that have to look at you.
8:30 p.m.
Jeffrey Ross on Gilbert Gottfried: He looks like Benjamin button when he was six.
Ross on Roseanne:
-You've been tortured and abused and you're still hanging in there -- I'm talking about your chair.
-Normally when I roast a pig it has an apple in its mouth.
-Look at you, more like Roseanne Barr and Grill.
-Instead of running for president why don't you try walking on a treadmill?
-Just what we need: a round president in the oval office.
-Kicked out of the tea party for eating all the crumpets.
8:36 p.m.
Another commercial break and another glass of wine.
8:40 p.m.
Wayne Brady is up. He's been made fun of for being black and his sexuality questioned.
"The only thing missing up here tonight: estrogen"
8:47 p.m.
Another commercial break and another plate of food.
8:56 p.m.
Carrie Fisher is up.
Yes, I do have big tits... and I am mentally ill. Roseanne cheered.
-I learned two things tonight bumping into Seth Green backstage: he is a big Star Wars fan and I was apparently in Star Wars.
To Wayne Brady: You're so white, i tried to snort you backstage, didn't I? I'm sorry.
-I have done so much dope that I have no idea who the F you are, or who I am or where I am.
When Carrie wraps up the announcer calls for more applause even though they seemed pretty loud already.
9:07 p.m.
Anthony Jeselnik is up. Everybody has been making fun of him wondering who he is.
-When Comedy Central asked me to be here tonight, I told them to suck my d___ -- and now I'm here.
Anthony is egging on the audience: come on, boo bitches, boo.
On Roseanne: When you accused your father of incest, there was an outpouring of sympathy... for your father.
-You had gastric bypass in 1998... and you beat it.
9:20 p.m.
Ellen Barkin is up.
-To Katey Sagal: how does it feel to be the horny redhead who could never get laid? Seth Green: same question.
-To Gilbert Gottfried: I am so glad you took a break from staring directly at the sun to be with us tonight.
9:26 p.m.
Tom Arnold is a surprise guest -- and they've been making fun of him all night! Roseanne looks shocked -- mouth is wide open. She seems stunned.
"We have not been in the same room for over 18 years." Roseanne cheers loudly.
-When I was with Roseanne she had 27 personailities and only two of them liked me.
9:39 p.m.
Another commercial break and the bartenders are doing last call. I grabbed two more glasses of wine... and some cheese.
9:42 p.m.
"Becky and DJ Conner" are up next. You can hear them chat with me on Top of The Charts and The Open Road.
Her sitcom kids: The real Roseanne gave us much better advice than TV Roseanne.
9:47 p.m.
Gilbert Gottfried is up.
"Ladies and gentleman, I hope you can hear my voice. This microphone is covered in the pubic hairs that were shot from between Jane Lynch's teeth."
-Like most monsters she goes by one name: Ro-zilla
Lots and lots of fat jokes
-Her rolls of fat are like a Japanese moo-nami. (He's referring to the tsunami joke that got him fired from a certain endorsement gig. He's saying he learned his lesson and should get the endorsement deal back "so he doesn't have to keep doing these f'ing roasts." The cast on stage gave him a standing O.)
He is making a lot of Asian jokes. "If my PR agent is out there send out my usual apology."
To Wayne Brady: I'm not saying you're like every other black man -- you can read.
-"When all else fails, blame it on the jews"
10:04 p.m.
Commercial break. Announcer tells us Roseanne is up next, the audience cheers.
10:07 p.m.
Jane Lynch introduces Roseanne: A woman whose balls are as big as her mouth. She puts the mother in motherf____er.
Roseanne: "sit down so I can see the f'ing prompter"
"I just wanna say to the audience here and to the dozens of people watching at home..."
"All I know is I better get my parking validated or some a__hole is getting fired."
"I am the meanest, baddest bitch on Earth -- and that is why I am running for the president of these goddamn United States of America. Put that in your (lengthy expletive) pipe and smoke it."
On her presidential campaign: "A vote for me is a vote for sanity."
To Ellen Barkin: I thought you were dead. When I said I wanted that butchy blond, I wanted Ellen DeGeneres.
Roseanne screwed up a Barkin joke and demands to redo it. The prompter went too far back and she screamed at the operator.
To Seth Green: Jane Lynch has vibrators bigger than you. The only difference is they can give a woman an orgasm.
Roseanne fires the audience because they laughed too soon at her Katey Sagal joke. She does a second take.
To Wayne Brady: You have single handedly redefined improv -- by scripting it.
To Jeff Ross: When I look at you I can't help but think the Nazis were onto something.
To Gilbert: The difference between Gilbert's voice and a sandpaper dildo: after 20 minutes you might start enjoying the dildo.
To Tom Arnold: It was very brave for you to show up. He was funny but how many jobs do I have to get for that guy? I'm glad you have a new wife. I hope she's not with you for your money... I mean my money.
This night has been one of the greatest nights of my life and that's not saying s___ for my life.
Making people laugh in tough times is a noble profession -- has the check cleared? -- thank you to the audience. There's nothing better than a good laugh.
Roseanne sings the last line of the national anthem.... pretty well, actually. She gets thunderous applause and a standing ovation.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a country to save. Enjoy your pigs in a blanket, bitches"
The credits are rolling and everyone on stage is giving hugs.
10:44 p.m.
That is a wrap, ladies and gents. I am heading to the media room to get all my cords and wires removed after being hidden all over my body and I'm leaving the Hollywood Palladium soon. Off to the airport and heading home in a few hours. What a quick trip!
